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Related Articles
When Your Lover is Mother Gets In The Way
Dr.Dennis W. Neder
Hi,
I need help! I'm, seeing a guy and everything in our world seems right and
amazing - except for my boyfriend's mother. She seems to think I'm trying to
take him away from her! That's not what I want at all. He has an incredible
family that he loves very much, but she is trying to ruin our relationship!
His mom has even gone so far as to expose some of my private medical information
to his out of town relatives. I wrote her a carefully worded letter explaining
that I did not like what she did. I even sent it to my boyfriend so he could see
it and know I wasn't being mean or accusatory. He thought the letter was fine so
I sent it. She went through the roof after reading it and accused me of being
mean and hateful.
We have not spoken since then. I keep my mouth shut most of the time when she
says or does something to upset me just because of my boyfriend. I don't want
him to be stuck in the middle of things. How do I settle things with his mom to
get past this problem? It doesn't bother me if we're not friends. If she can't
accept us together, is there a way to just get a little peace? When he tries to
discuss it with her, she sees no wrong in what she has done. She just keeps
saying that I'm trying to put a wedge in between her and him.
Hello!
Yes, mothers can be quite a pain sometimes!
It sounds like you've done just about everything you should from discussing it
with your boyfriend to reviewing the situation with your friends and family. It
sounds like your motives are non-sinister, and that mom is just trying to create
some problems. Here's what I would do in the same situation:
1) Re-evaluate your situation one more time and make sure that there is nothing
you're doing that may be a further cause of this.
2) Talk to your boyfriend again. It is his responsibility to deal with his
mother. If he can't, tell him to go get his testicles, put them back in his
pants and have a pow-wow with his mother to get her off your back. He needs to
tell her that he won't tolerate this situation, as it is SHE (mom) that is
driving a wedge between them. If he can't seem to find where he left his balls,
have it write to me, and I tell him where to look!
3) Have a talk with mom yourself. Drop by when you know that she's free, bring
some pastries and hash out an understanding with her. Explain that you LIKE
their family (including her) and want things to be good for everyone - including
your boyfriend's relationship with her. Say that you understand how important
her bond is with him, and see that a lot of the things you love about him have
come from her. Tell her that if she feels she's losing him (which she's not)
that you can help insure that she doesn't. You should also drop the hint that
you can also make things worse, but you don't want to. Frankly, mom's an idiot
for not realizing this in the first place, and should be trying to work with you
to get on your good side.
4) If mom isn't able to see all of this, just know you've done everything you
can, and put it behind you. The problem is hers, and frankly, you hold the keys
here. You get to decide how much time your boyfriend spends with his mom, if
he's "free" or not, etc. Tell him not to tell his mother about anything in your
relationship because you don't want it spread through the rest of the family
(mom has already proven that she can't keep your secrets), and make him stick to
it.
I know from personal experience what kind of problem this is. If you've done
everything here and mom won't come around, it really isn't your problem - it's
hers. You can put it aside and move on knowing that you've done everything you
can. On the other hand, you and she may even become friends someday!
Good luck, much love...
------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can
write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. For more
information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2002, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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