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Being "Daddy" Without The Sugar
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Hello Dr Neder,
I read your piece on Breaking Up with much interest and seek your advice as
offered in the article.
In about two months my partner and I will be celebrating our three-year
anniversary. Discussions on marriage have started and I expect we will be making
decisions about our future together soon.
Recently I have been experiencing doubt about our relationship as we have being
spending a considerable time apart as my partner is studying overseas. I care
about her very deeply but am concerned that this does not equate to love and am
struggling to define the difference between the two.
Unfortunately my partner's family is a mess and the relationship with her
separated parents is shallow and unfulfilling for her. I suspect that I am
filling a father figure role, as I am six years her senior (she is 25) and
supporting her financially so that she can study full time.
Deep down I do not respect her as an equal and probably have taken on the father
figure role out of my own need to be needed. I know for my own fulfillment that
I need to have a partner that I respect and consider equal. This has led me to
thoughts of breaking up.
Is there a way for us to re-balance the relationships and change our current
roles? Longer term I am afraid that if we continue in our current pattern I will
feel trapped and alone in a relationship that is one way.
Hello!
As I keep telling people, the problem is not that there are too many divorces -
there are too many marriages!
People seem to get married for all of the wrong reasons - and there are a ton of
them. By contrast, there are only two reasons that I can see to get married:
1) You've decided that nobody else now, or in the future could ever be "the one"
for you and you're willing to put aside any possible future interest in any else
to make this so, (highly unlikely by the way); or,
2) You want to start a family.
That's it!
As you've already mentioned, you are probably in this relationship for all the
wrong reasons. I'm deeply concerned that you're paying her tuition overseas.
This is bad all around. Why are you doing this? She's 25 years old. Do you think
that she won't meet someone over there while she's away? Not likely. Remember
your own college days? Sure, you wanted an education, but was that the only
thing you wanted? She's likely to return to the states with her degree AND her
new boyfriend! Of course, you'll have paid the bill for it all!
You seem to have nailed the essence of the relationship - she wants a "daddy"
figure (sugar-daddy?) and you want to be needed. This is not a healthy
foundation on which to build a relationship! Neither is the "pay for play" model
by the way.
You see, people spend more time planning their vacations than they spend
planning their relationships. Isn't this ridiculous? What you have here is a
relationship that has taken it's own course without much "direction" from you.
Now, as things are getting serious, you're beginning to re-evaluate your
involvement in the relationship. You should have done this before monogamy set
in!
In my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" I go into this planning process in
depth, so I'm not going to re-iterate it here (actually it spans 3 chapters of
the book itself!) But suffice it to say; first you've got to decide just what
you want - specifically and clearly. If you don't want to get married, my
brother - DON'T! No good can come of it. Likewise, if you don't want to get
married to her - DON'T.
The first step is to sit down and really determine what you want in your life.
Until you do this, you're always going to be at the mercy of everyone else's
ideas of just what's best for you. This includes your girlfriend, your friends,
your girlfriend's parents, your parents, your minister, your pet goldfish, etc.,
etc., etc. Next, look at the relationship and see if there is hope of getting
these things from it. If not, it's time to move on.
If you want to try to re-organize your present relationship, you need to run
(don't walk!) down to your local bookstore (or go to our website) and get my
book. It is full of "male philosophy" on how to begin to properly manage your
relationship including what it takes to direct and manage your relationship in
the long-term. It also covers how to meet someone that better fits your needs.
My point here is not to give you a sales pitch, but to give you some options.
After 3 years of this pattern, it's time to make some changes - either in your
relationship with her, or in yourself. Either of these are going to take some
work, but it's worth it. Otherwise, you're just going to go from this situation
right into another just like it.
So, here's the bottom line:
1) Decide what you want from your life and your relationship(s),
2) Decide if you CAN get it from this current relationship,
3) If so, make it what you want by expecting the change and implementing a plan
(I'd start with finding a new funding source for your girlfriend's education),
4) If not, get out and start meeting some new people as your construct your
"exit plan".
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You don't want to find out 5 years from now that
you're married to someone that you shouldn't be, and those that meet your needs
are no longer in reach.
Good luck, my brother!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can
write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2002, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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