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Related Articles
Getting Over Social Phobia
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Dr.:
For years I thought my difficulty with women was just intense nervousness, so I
would just avoid the situation, (you can imagine the results: ZERO!). I was
diagnosed with social phobia about 2 years ago. Within the last year I’ve been
going out to acclimate myself socially (i.e. concerts, clubs, etc.). I really
like music! I've been using your tips to at least start to try to date, but I
don't seem to be having much luck. I've been told I look way too serious when
out socially. Any advice would be great. I'm also in recovery, so a few drinks
to “loosen up” are out of the question.
Thanks!
Hello!
Thanks for the kind words - you know all you can do is try, and you're never
quite sure if you're reaching anyone until someone says so!
You'd be surprised how common your problem really is! Let's face it, nobody
wants to get shot down, and to some degree, we all have some amount of "social
phobia". The good news is that you CAN get through all of this! If your problem
is organic, there are some new drugs on the market that can really help.
However, it sounds like you've got just an extreme case. So, let's look at how
to deal with this:
First, recognize that dealing with any issue isn't an over-night process. This
will take some time. You probably didn't get here in a single day, and you're
not going to get out of it in a single day either. So, plan some time to work on
this issue, set some goals, establish milestones and work to meet them. Here are
the steps you want to take:
1) Get educated!
This is probably the most important step. And, fortunately, it's the first. What
will education do for you? It gives you confidence. Have you ever given a public
presentation or speech? If you know the subject well, you present well. If you
don't, all hell can break loose!
You've taken the first steps here by studying the Internet. Have you also looked
at my site? (www.remingtonpublications.com) It is full of free information that
will also help you along here. In addition, I strongly recommend that you pick
up a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World". I actually go into this very
subject in the book as well as give you some exercises to get your plan worked
out - the next step.
2) Get a plan together.
Do you know the difference between goals and dreams? A time limit. That's all!
You "dream" of being confident in social situations and meeting great women. By
establishing a working plan with time limits to achieve the elements of the
plan, you've actually set goals. Setting goals creates magic in your mind - the
point of the next step:
3) Begin to program your mind for success
By programming your mind, you are actually giving it the tools to get past this
phobia. Unless you have an organic problem (highly unlikely!), you've actually
been using this step all along - to fail! Believe me, you're not alone - many
men do this. They run "movies" in their minds of failing. Like imagining walking
up to a beautiful woman and having her humiliate them. Or, thinking about what
they want and actually feeling anxiety.
These examples are probably exactly what you are doing. In fact, MANY MEN DO
THIS! Your mind is keen on these types of images combined with emotions. That's
exactly the mechanism it uses to program itself internally! If you're doing this
anyway, why not give it the RIGHT messages?
"The industry" calls this "guided visualization" and here's an article that
discusses how to do this: http://www.remingtonpublications.com/confidence_through_self-hypnosis.htm
You need to continue to practice this over at least 3-4 weeks. It is a critical
step. The interesting thing is that your subconscious mind (not knowing the
difference between what is real, and what is imagined with clarity) begins to
program itself for the outcomes you imagine!
4) Take small steps - achieve small successes first
As you work through the mind-programming exercises, you also need to give
yourself small successes that continue to grow. Here's how: start with a goal
and break it down into very small steps. For example, you eventually want to get
to the point where you can easily ask a woman out and have a great date. But,
that's too big a chunk to start with.
So, first begin by simply looking at yourself in the mirror. Imagine what you
look like to others. Don't qualify how you look, just "see" yourself. Look right
into your eyes. This is going to be uncomfortable at first, but don't worry - it
will get easier as you do it a few times. Next, learn to stand straight,
shoulders back, head up and look at yourself that way. Practice this and try to
think about it when you're out walking around. Next, you want to add a soft
smile. You may need to practice this for a while, as it often is natural when
you first start out. This "mirror exercise" should take about a week if you do
it twice every day.
Now, you're ready to move on. During this step, you want to look at people. Just
look at them - even just for a split second. Don't worry about making eye
contact yet. Just look at them. Spend about a week doing this until it feels
comfortable.
Next, extend this up and actually make eye contact with them. No doubt you've
been doing this already, but you avert your eyes as soon as the look at you.
This time, make it last just a split second longer.
Next, combine everything so far - standing tall, head square, looking at people,
and making eye contact. This might seem scary right now, but consider that it
looks very confident - exactly where you want to go!
The next step is to add a natural smile when someone catches your eye. You might
want to do this only with women as it may send the wrong signal in some parts of
the world!
Next, you're actually going to say "hello" or "good afternoon" to people. Note
that some of them will avert their eyes from you (like you used to!), some will
actually grunt, and a few will say hello back to you. Don't worry about their
reactions - it isn't important. What IS important is you practicing this.
5) Turn these into bigger successes
If you've been doing the previous exercises, you should be well on your way to
the larger successes. Just like before, take small steps. You want to start by
going to places that you were uncomfortable in the past. Such as clubs,
concerts, etc. Your goal here isn't to pick up a woman - yet. It's just to talk
to a few people.
Use the tools you've been practicing and begin to make eye contact, smile at
women, and say "hello". You might want to add something like "Great club, huh?"
or "I've head this band before - great music!" Don't push too hard, but see if
anyone responds to you, (some will by the way!) That's your new goal - and
exactly what you need to do to start meeting women, getting numbers, etc., etc.
6) Make success a habit
Forget the failures. Focus on the successes. When you meet some pretty woman,
say "hello" and she say's "hello" back - reward yourself by feeling good about
it. That is your goal! It's ok to feel good about yourself and by letting
yourself - you're actually ingraining the habit of success. This is a critical
step and should be added at every milestone.
7) Review and adjust your plan
As you get successes, note what happened, what you did, where you were, etc. You
might even want to keep a log or journal of this information. It is your own
transformation log. You can also throw in new ideas that you come up with on
your own, or that you get from articles and books that you read (remember step
#1).
When you find something that works, add it to your plan. Don't change your goals
however. If you've done the work up front, your goals should be rock-solid. Your
plans however may change regularly as you gather new information - and new
successes.
8) NEVER GIVE UP!
You're going to have success and failures. That just the way it works. But
remember - it doesn't matter! All these people you make contact with are mealy
experiments, and "class work". You're training yourself. They are just "props"
in all of this - do don't worry about their reactions other than to note them.
You want to adjust your plan and your approaches to something more effective for
YOU. Find what works, and don't give up.
Get to it ol' buddy. Believe me YOU CAN DO THIS! Keep working on it, and let me
know how your progress is coming.
Good luck, much love...
-----------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can
write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. For more
information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2002, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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