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10 Reasons Why Long-distance Relationships Just Do not Work

Tom Scheve

Beyond the first few months of giddy affection and the feeling of butterflies, few -- if any -- romantic relationships are easy. Sure, some look that way, but usually that's because two people are putting in a lot of work behind the scenes.

Long-distance relationships are even more difficult to maintain, and the reasons why they can fail are numerous. Many long-distance relationships certainly succeed, but they require careful navigation from the people involved to steer through the obstacles brought on by geography.

Of course, with the right mindset, plenty of emotional preparation and lots of work throughout, long-distance relationships can and do work out. But many potential pitfalls await every hopeful attempt at cross-country love.

What are 10 reasons long-distance relationships just don't work? Here's a clue: Romances rarely come to a boil when conducted by fax.

10: Communication Breakdown

Couples in long-distance relationships have to make up for a serious lack of face time. In this modern age, there are plenty of alternatives: phone calls, text messages, instant messaging and pretty much any other communication technology developed since the carrier pigeon. However, much of our hasty electronic communications are hammered out in shorthand, and this can easily become the native language of long-distance relationships.

The flip-side of this is that these forms of communication often don't pay off with a truly fulfilling interaction. Whereas it was once easy to chat in person, now those normal, daily interactions are severely curtailed. It requires real effort to keep in touch and feel connected.

If the relationship began long distance, it might be easier to communicate from afar because that dynamic is the only one that's existed. If both parties are used to being in one another's presence, it might become increasingly disheartening to communicate in less personal ways as time goes on.

A relationship can morph into a voice-and-text situation that assumes its own shape, making it somewhat strange when a couple actually spends time together in person after a long absence.

There is one type of person who does well with long-distance communication: the man or woman who truly values his or her own space (and a lot of it), but also wants to nurture a connection with a loved one.

Next: The cracked crystal ball of love.

9: A Murky Future

If you and your significant other (S.O.) are in a long-distance relationship, it's a sign that your lives are different enough that circumstances prevent you from living in same ZIP code, state or even country.

Maybe you just met but don't know each other well enough to move to the same city. While there's strong chemistry, both of your lives are chugging along on parallel tracks. You can't just sell your house, quit your job and move. Or can you? And what if you moved but it didn't work out? What if he or she moved to your city (or into your home)? Would it be a dream come true or a suffocating nightmare?

Or perhaps you started off together, but circumstances, dreams, desires or conscious decisions created the physical distance now between you. It's important for a relationship to foster a sense of togetherness, and that the bond has a mutually acceptable sense of stability and momentum. But over time in a long-distance relationship, you may feel as present in your S.O.'s life as you do in the life of the coffee-shop regular you keep bumping into in your own ZIP code -- and you may realize the same could hold true for your S.O.

If further long-term commitments are made by both parties (like a lease extension or acceptance of a big job promotion or transfer), and those commitments don't bring the two any closer together, someone's likely to pull the plug.

When the cat's away, the mice read the next page.

8: The ZIP Code Rule

The "ZIP code rule" establishes the scoundrel's primary philosophical question when it comes to monogamy: Is it cheating if it happens in a different ZIP code from the one occupied by your S.O? And all too often, the conclusion is: "What they don't know won't hurt them." As a bonus, if the S.O. does find out, he or she will likely be too far away to key a car or smash some plates. A cad will behave like a cad no matter what, but the chances are perhaps greater when his or her S.O. lives far, far away.

Monogamy can be a challenge over time even under direct supervision. (Of course, ideally, direct supervision isn't a requirement for monogamy.) Most people, though, are either the cheating sort or decidedly not. But some people who would normally stay true to their S.O. don't respond well to long-term physical separation. Loneliness creeps in, new and interesting people appear when you least expect it, and then there's alcohol. More than a few bad romantic decisions have been made under less-than-clear-headed circumstances. (It also presents a twist on the ZIP code question for deceitful boyfriends and girlfriends everywhere: "Does it count if I barely remember it?")

Distance, loneliness and alcohol often grease the tracks for the derailment of a long-distance relationship.

This leads to our next reason long-distance relationships just don't work: a lack of trust.

............... To Be Continued

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